Demolition
by J.D. Castle
Summary: Two people never see things exactly the same...based on the "Eye of the Beholder" spoilers. What Kate and Rick see and what it says to them. Castle wants to break down her walls, but he may just be breaking her heart... It's a short opening...seeing wh
1. Chapter 1

She should have known better. From the moment she'd meet Richard Castle she'd known the man was trouble. He was handsome, charming, smart, funny. He'd also be married twice and linked with more page six starlets than links on the Attica perimeter fence. Driven to Distraction was a mild way to describe him.

So she'd known. She'd known that any interest he had in her was bound to be fleeting, and so she'd worked hard to dismiss any signs that perhaps he was feeling more. Denied her own attraction to his quick wit, goofball ways, and incredibly uncanny way of knowing what someone needed and giving it them. Whether that be coffee, a joke, or a heartfelt admission... and there was the truth of it. The day she'd been shot, Richard Castle knew she needed a reason to hold on, to fight to stay on this earth. Knew it sure as hell wouldn't be Josh. He KNEW...and gave her a reason, something to hope for, something to come back to. She can feel the bile rising up in her throat. "Stay with me Kate, I love you..." He always knew what to say. Watching him kissing the blonde (Of course, she would be a blonde), she hates herself for being so stupid. Castle says a lot of things in the moment - he's a writer. Only an idiot, given the life statistics of one Richard Castle, would ever let herself believe them.

She'd been the idiot.


	2. Deja vu Blues

DEJA VU BLUES

Richard Castle stomped into his loft, straight into his office. It had been a very, very, bad day. He hasn't had a day like this since he'd come back from the Hamptons with Gina. When Beckett found out he was back, she'd wanted nothing to do with him, and the guys looked at him like something unpleasant to be scraped off their shoes. He'd never quite understood it. They were mad because he'd never called Beckett?

Then Beckett hadn't called HIM for three months and he got it all too well. He'd spent those three months feeling kicked to the curb, figuring she was happily recovering in motorcycle-boy's arms, to busy to even call and say hello. He'd been wrong about that. It was Josh she'd kicked out of her life - even though he'd helped to save it. It was just three little words, but her eyes had flashed with anger, defiance, and something he still couldn't put his finger on. Then she'd turned on her heels (or rather her flats) and left.

It was the something in her eyes that he couldn't place that had made him follow her. That and the belated idea that perhaps now they were even. They'd both done three months of no contact, hurting each other in the process. He hadn't meant to hurt her then...hadn't thought he could, actually. Maybe she hadn't meant to hurt him either.

"I liked him. I liked him alot. But it wasn't enough." Her words then still make him smile inside. She liked him, but didn't love him. It's the closest she'll ever get to admitting he was right about what he'd said that night...that horrible night. Her next words, however, had floored him. She'd been looking away before, but then she'd met his eyes and he forgot he'd ever been angry, forgot he was supposed to be trying to move on, forgot everything except how he loved her beyond reason, and that his world without her was cold and meaningless. "I'm never gonna be the woman I want to be, have the relationship I want to have...until I can put this thing to rest."

Everything in her eyes was telling him the relationship she wanted was with him. The walls she wants to tear down, it's for him. Kate wants to let him in, and in that moment she is doing it. He hasn't lost her. Not to death, not to Josh, and apparently not even to her tunnel vision about her mother's murder. Not completely. Help her find these people who killed her mother, who wanted her dead, and he could have Kate Beckett. It had seemed like such a no-brainer until he'd gotten that phone call. Now it was complicated...

What made it worse was having Kate working to bring those walls down. She'd been smiling more, flirting a little, complimenting him. She was...different. Rick wasn't sure when the pieces came together, but it suddenly occurred to him that she'd been lying. Her shaking when having a gun pointed at her, her new belief in love's destiny, her telling him about her walls, her fears...it all seemed to add up to her remembering.

The idea infuriated him. He told her he loves her, and she's said nothing? Maybe it wasn't him she's waiting around for? Maybe Mother was right and he was too available, a whipped pup. In retrospect, he should have known better than to listen to his mother. He knew her track record with romance.

Certainly the insurance agent was intriguing, attractive even. He'd just meant to tweek Kate a little bit, push her to admit what she knew. He should have realized when Esposito pointedly ignored the lady that it was a bad idea,but by then already gotten caught up in his little game. It was easy to grab and kiss her so Kate would see...maybe he'd even wanted to a little. Then he saw Kate's eyes...and he remembered that he _loved _her. He remembered what it was like walking in on Meredith and one of her lovers, and wondered if his eyes had flashed with the same devastation.

Esposito had managed not to say a word to him all day. He must have told Ryan what happened because Ryan had been brushing him off with one word replies. As for Kate, it was only a moment that the hurt had shined through. Then her walls were back, doubly enforced. She finally had just sent him home. It was worse than after that summer in the Hamptons. This time he knew exactly what he did. It was stupid, really. What had he been thinking? Sure, maybe she did remember, and maybe she did lie about it. It didn't change that it had gotten her to open up, admit to needs she had, but wasn't ready for. He'd missed that step in his logic, so caught up in his righteousness indignation of her not directly responding to his declaration of love. If she HAD heard him, she'd clearly believed him. Hence the opening up, asking for time. Now, in her eyes, he'd just proven that he didn't mean it at all...and he couldn't blame her. He knew what it was like to see someone supposedly in love with you kissing someone else. He knew it was a heartbreak. So why had he? Unbidden, he saw her face again and his eyes stung with tears. He'd hurt Kate, and in a way he'd never thought himself capable of. Jealousy...why on earth had he thought trying to invoke it was a good idea?


	3. The Fairest of Them All

The Fairest of Them All

Kate stares at her nude torso in the mirror. No. She'd never wear a top cut that low because the scar would be way too visible. Would she have before? Maybe. If she was undercover, trying to look overly available so the perps wouldn't focus to closely on wondering why she around in the first place, she had no problem flaunting it. She could see why Castle would be fascinated by Ms. Kay's...display. His fascination really shouldn't bother her so much. She'd sent him out to distract the woman, knowing full well he'd enjoy being distracting and distracted.

Really, that's the problem. Castle may love her. He may have meant those words he said ...but his ability to stay focused on one woman was pretty doubtful. Her therapist was funny. Is she afraid he'd wait for her or afraid he wouldn't? It had given her pause. At the end of the day she realized that while both sides of the question scared her, neither were her biggest fear. Her deepest fear was that he'd wait just long enough to reel her in - only to throw her back once caught, onto the next bright fish in the sea.

This is why she'd tried so hard not to fall for him, not to go there. It's why she denies to everyone, and sometimes to herself, that she's already fallen. That night they'd kissed...it still haunts her dreams, and sometimes her daydreams. She had tried to forget about it, to pretend it never happened, pretend that she hadn't been stunned and then starving for more. She hadn't kissed him back, slide her tougue over his with a desperate need to know more of his taste.

She'd offically been with Josh... well as much as one could be with a guy who was rarely around. She'd never seen herself as the type to cheat, didn't like to think about how she'd feel about a boyfriend kissing another woman. Yet, she'd never found herself dreaming about kissing Josh. Hell, she never could even _masturbate_ thinking about Josh. Tall, strong, handsome, Josh...fantasizing about him had never gotten her off. Thinking about that kiss with Castle escalating to being fucked by him up against a wall, THAT got her off. Seeing him kissing Serena like that had hit hard - like a punch to her gut - because that was _her _fantasy. Castle should have been kissing her.

But it wasn't her. And truthfully, it shouldn't have been. She wasn't ready to be in a relationship with someone who knew too much about her already, who'd seen her fall apart more than once, and who physically...could set her on fire with an look and simple touch. He had no idea what he he made her feel, or that the reason she'd tease him with merciless sexual inneudo was just to see his eyes go cloudy and his jaw slacken, just so she could imagine what he'd look like when they were making love...

She had to stop this. She could never hold Castle in a relationship. He wasn't the kind of man to be held. Loyal to his family, his friends, yes. There his loyalty knows no bounds. She needs that loyalty in her life, needs his friendship like air. One could live a long time without food, but air was necessary. Her hunger for Castle, his touch, his kiss...she could live with without it. She'd have to. She knew some women could stay in relationships with men whose eyes were always roaming, she'd heard of that show about the guy with three wives. She wasn't capable of it and didn't want to try.

However, she didn't want to lose Castle either. So if it meant gritting her teeth and being nice to Serena, she could do that. She could be happy for his flings, she third, fourth, fifth marriages. She could be his friend.

"I am his friend."

The face staring back her in mirror smiles back mockingly, as if to say, "then why are you crying?"

Kate turns away. She needs a good night's sleep. It's already late and there's still a murderer on the loose with a stolen piece of 50 million dollar art. So if she can't sleep, that's what she needs to be building theories about, not theories about her and Castle.


	4. It's Complicated

So, there's a two-week hiatus. Even though one could say I'm on medical leave, I thought it was a bihypocritical to be annoyed when I have updated any of my stories. So without further ado.

It's Complicated

Richard Castle has been trying to sleep for the last hour, but he can't get the conversation with Martha out of his head. Instead he lies in bed, tucked under his fluffy down comforter, soft cotton sheets, and stares at the his stucco ceiling. Complicated. That's what he'd told her about him and Kate. He's not sure if the word covers the depth of what he means.

Complicated: Difficult to understand or analyze.

He loves Kate, and he's pretty sure she knows it - and is lying about knowing. It's upsetting and infuriating. He's damn clear about that. No difficulties there at all.

Complicated: Containing intricately combined or involved parts.

Kate_ is _lying, but, as upsetting as that is, it's obviously not because she doesn't have romantic feelings towards him as well. She just can't deal with the ramifications. The trauma of the shooting, the weight of her mother's still unsolved murder...she's in no shape to start a relationship.

She had told him that was how she felt, in so many words, when they'd been sitting on the swings. On those same swings she'd also told him that she saw what she'd been doing and wanted to open up more. It had surprised him. Not the words, because he's known about those walls of hers. No, it was her acknowledging those walls , to him no less, that had made him think that perhaps they really did still have a chance.

Adding to the mix of combined parts is the fact that she has been making good on trying to open up more. There have been more smiles and less pretending she finds his actions annoying when she's actually amused. She's complimented him, indulged him, and surprised him with some less...rigid ideas and insights.

Still, he isn't dating Kate and although he's certainly had more sex than many men, it's been awhile. Serena is attractive, interesting, and God knows, available. Kate hasn't said she loves him, hasn't said the relationship she wants to have is with him, hasn't said _anything_ directly. Just because her eyes seemed to say it's him she wants doesn't count.

On top of all of this is looms his own secret-keeping. Even if she did say something directly and they took things further, if she EVER found out he'd been looking into her mother's murder without her, that he'd deliberately steered her away...he'd lose her as sure as if they shot her dead.

So, okay, yes: the second definition seems to apply. There are a hell of alot of parts to this situation with Kate.

For Martha it was a simple thing. Technically, he wasn't dating Kate. He was free to flirt with, hell, sleep with, any woman he wanted. Serena was attractive, available and his mother, the queen of must be seen and heard, hated seeing him moping about. He should go out with the woman, make a move, have a good time. He'd always had a sneaking suspicion that his page six shenangans gave his mother a certain vicarious thrill. It had never been totally his style though. Rather, it was one he'd learned to wear. He is a writer, prone to preferring quiet nights of solitude and fanciful thoughts. Martha is an actress, and a party girl at heart. A smart woman, yes, but also a party girl. He'd taken on the role of playboy because between his mother, his looks, and his money, it was one easy to step into. Easy to do and easy to sell.

Except yesterday he realized he'd sold it too well. He'd gotten a glimpse of something that he hadn't realized was still in Kate's image of him: Richard Castle, Playboy. She'd seen him kissing Serena and her walls went back up even higher than before. While a part of him had gloated (after all, he'd had to watch her with Josh) he'd known it wasn't quite the same. He'd been unavailable when she met Josh. Nor had there been declarations of love given, or conversations about relationships to be had once her mother's murder was solved. In this case, those things had happened, and even though he'd been trying to distract Serena as ordered, it didn't mean (as Eposito had pointed out) he had to slip Serena the tougue.

He never again wanted to see the look on Kate's face that he'd seen yesterday. More than just the general hurt in her eyes, what got him was the understanding of why she hurt. Kate _expected_ him to hook up with Serena, despite his declaration of love to her. Sure, Kate didn't know that he knew, but he knew that she knew and...fuck it. He'd met Kate while signing women's chest for god's sake. She'd seen him kiss Kira, bed an ex he didn't even_ like, _be taken in by an actress looking for a role... By the time he'd caught on to the idea that Kate meant more to him than a hook-up she'd been with Demmings. So he'd gone off and tried again with Gina. By the time he'd realized he couldn't keep faking it with her, Kate had started trying to fake it with Josh.

God, it had killed him to see the man touching her, but he couldn't blame her. He hadn't needed her to tell him she'd only "liked" Josh. He'd seen it. Kate liked pretty boys the way he liked blondes, but love was a different story. He'd been where she was, desperately trying to make something work when the heart really wasn't there. He'd hidden in glitterazzi marriages and meaningless sex for a long time. Since after Kira, really. The emptiness had really started to bother him when he'd met Kate.

It's funny how of all the reasons he'd thought of to explain why she's lying about what she remembers, the idea that she still thought he was a playboy was the one that hadn't occurred to him. Looking at it now, it seems obvious. Sighing, Castle rolls onto his side and hugs his pillow. Things were complicated enough without Kate doubting that despite his previous marriages, she was his FINAL one and done. Tomorrow he is going to have to make that clear...well as clear as he could without bringing up the fact that he loved her.


	5. One Wall Down

One Wall Down

Kate didn't know how badly she'd been hurting until Rick said he wasn't taking Serena out. A weight lifted off her chest as, smiling, he looked at her with serious eyes.

"I can't afford it."

He went on about the bill for the artwork, but she knew what he meant. Her feelings about the situation hadn't been exactly hidden. She'd been sarcastic and distant with him yesterday. Today she'd come in determined to do the right thing, to be nice. Yet, she'd still felt herself withdrawing from him, being extra careful with her words. Yes, she loved him - enough let him go and watch him find companionship with a woman who was available for it. However, she just hadn't been able to be her usual self with him while he did. She wishes that she could have, but as much as she loves Rick, she still is a mass of broken pieces inside. Irrational as it was, she couldn't help but retreat behind her walls to hide the pain of yet another loss.

Castle is still talking. Apparently her usual self - walls and all - meant more to him than the sure thing he could have in his bed that night.

He loved her.

He really did.

Now, if she could somehow just pull her own life together...they could at some point actually, maybe...be together.

The thought makes her feel giddy inside, but she manages to hold it to a smile...and an offer to buy him dinner at Remy's.

KB&RC

Sorry this has been awhile. I actually have had it...I thought there was more to it, but that's really all I've got on this one. I think it was my way of dealing with the issues I had with Eye of the Beholder. I've loved everything else this season! Can't wait to see KILL SHOT tonight!


End file.
